Monday, 18 November 2013

clouds in my coffee

Right, so, it seems the below post has not only had the most hits this shitty little, no-where blog has ever had but its also caused the most controversy.
I say controversy, I mean a few people have actually taken the time to write to me or visit me in person to air their thoughts on it.

One or two friends have given me knowing winks and thumbs up, another said "about time, must feel good to vent", I'm like, "er…what?"
I had a very angry email from an old girlfriend (like 20 years ago old) asking how I dare speak about her in this way in public after all this time, I had to ask "in which which way, the loved but let go or the good riddance?".
Someone more recently who I dated once thought she was the 'let her go' of the piece and called to tell me how nice it was I thought of her in that way.  I reminded her we only had one evening together during which I faked a call from work so I could make my excuses and leave early rather than tell her how dull she was.

Its funny, of all the posts I've written I'm surprised this one appears to have been taken so personally, especially when other posts were written specifically about certain individuals and with such bile I used to expect a punch in the head on a daily basis. This one was written about no-one, I used hyperbole and rhetoric to paint broad strokes.  What surprises me more is if what I wrote is supposed to be true why has no-one called me on the flip-flop line? I have never and will never own, wear or have in the house a pair of flip -flops.
(In fact, if you ever seem in flips flops you have permission to cut off my toes so I may never wear them again)

Apologies then, to anyone offended by the below post. It was merely intended to be an attempt at observational humour.
The characters hinted to are purely fictional and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Except you. Yeah you. You know who you are, sitting there all smug in your apricot scarf, you can go fuck yourself.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Deny the Passenger.

"OH. MY. GOD. Passenger is SO amazing, his lyrics are just SO meaningful and poignant, he really speaks to me and knows just what we all think, that 'Let Her Go' song is just amazing"
So says a girl in the office.

I beg to differ, I think Passenger's 'Let Her Go' song is this decades 'Ironic', a song about how ironic life can be sometimes "…like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife". Unfortunately the young Alanis Morissette (ask yer mum) hadn't really grasped the idea of irony when she wrote said song as NONE of the examples of irony listed therein were ironic at all, at best they were just unfortunate coincidences or strokes of bad luck. Unless she was double bluffing us all and deliberately wrote the song lacking irony and called it ironic to be ironic?
Now my brain hurts and I digress.

Passenger says:
You only miss the light when its burning low
You only miss the sun when it starts to snow
You only know you love her when you let her go

Well, Mr Passenger, If I can just stop you there. I'd posit that your use of the word 'only' is your downfall, your 'Ironic' moment, if you will.  'Only' meaning; nothing else or more, finite, no room for flexibility. It suggests these are emotional rules we all adhere to and agree with. But I only miss the light when its dark and I need light, I'm pretty sure thats universal too, when its burning low you still have light and not just that you might want low light to get romantic with 'her', but I guess if you let the light burn out maybe thats why you had to 'let her go'? Sometimes you might want total darkness, like when you sleep or are creeping up on a victim. (Unless you like the light on or maybe low light to sleep with), or if you love your new night vision goggles you might miss the dark when its light, my point is you SOMETIMES miss the light when its burning low.
Alpine skiing usually has sun AND snow at the same time so the assumption that you can't have one without the other is redundant, besides, I rarely miss the sun when it starts to snow cos I wanna go sledging and throw snowballs, the sun would spoil that in this country, sometimes I miss the snow when it starts to sun, and I can't be the only one who feels like that.
And riddle me this oh wise and all knowing Rosenberg. I let someone go once BECAUSE I loved her, so I knew I loved her before I let her go AND after.

There isn't a chorus in that song that stands up to scrutiny, probably why the song is called 'Let her go' and not 'Only', he learned from Alanis' mistakes.
Maybe the lyrics should be:

I only miss the light when its burning low
I only miss the sun when it starts to snow
I only knew I loved her when I let her go

My version goes...
I only have bogies cos I've got a nose
I only wear flip flops 'cos I've got some toes
I only knew how glad I was to see the back of that cold hearted, emotionless, selfish bitch weeks after she'd gone. Good riddance.

But that doesn't scan well.

Friday, 1 November 2013


You know how we sometimes quote movies, "you looking' at me" or "I'll be back" or "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses. - Hit it!", y'know, that kind of thing. Its sort of funny, can be brilliantly ironic and always must be knowing, it has to be, there's no point in saying something like "We come from lquitos, one thousand two hundred miles down the Amazon. I had to row because our motor broke down." unless you know the person you are speaking to is familiar with the comedic stylings of Klaus Kinski in the laff-a-minute action of Fitzcaralldo it would be pointless, you'd sound a bit mental - or pompous.


Unless of course you are attempting to appear more knowledgable and sage-like than the person/people you are speaking to, y'know, patronising (that means talking down to people if you didn't know) If you lack the verbal dexterity and cognitive athleticism needed to impart your own words of 'wisdom' you could always pretend to have depth of character, untapped knowledge and divine insight by stealing quotes or speeches from films and claiming them as your own. Stealing from films is better than using actual speeches 'cos actual speeches are more famous and have actual gravitas that resonates in us, we instinctively know this because the person delivering that speech MEANS what they are saying, it matters to them and they want it to matter to us, Take Martin Luther 'the' King's "I have a Dream" speech. So powerful, so necessary for its time yet still as poignant and relevant today as it was 50-odd years ago. You wouldn't use that, would you? its too famous, too specific, you couldn't even paraphrase it or make comparisons to it, it would be in poor taste and crass. 

You have to be careful stealing from films though, they're popular and people know the words well so choose wisely or you'll be caught out, I'd steer clear of really popular movies like any Harry Potter flick, Star Wars, Condor Man and those kind of things, in fact anything from most of the major studios from the last 20 years or so. Failing that you could choose fading actors or actresses, ones people seem to have forgotten about or even some of their shittier films. For instance Eddie Murphy films, OK he can be a bit sweary and Beverly Hills Cop is a very well known, and oft quoted film, but 'Norbit' isn't (theres not much good dialogue though) 'Boomerang' is utterly, utterly awful and devoid of content or humour so don't use that but 'Holy Man' could be useful, theres lots of good speeches in there despite it being a terrible movie. Don't try and use any of them in a business or marketing context though, the film is a satire on Marketing and advertising, pointing a finger at the gullibility of the general populous and mocking how easily won we often are with flowery literal ambiguity which seems to say a lot but means nothing. For instance, heres a good one from that exact movie…

"When I was a boy there was a great storm, and thousands of starfish were washed up on the beach. I saw a beautiful little girl running up and down the beach, frantically throwing the starfish back into the water. I said to her: "What's the use? You'll never be able to save them all. It won't make any difference." She held up a starfish and said: "it makes a difference to this one." And she was right. It did make a difference to that one, and all the others she managed to save. And it made a difference to her too. Because she was making a connection with another living thing. She was connected to all those starfish she saved. She connected with me. And making connections is really the only time you're truly alive. Isn't it?"

What an inspiring tale, you have the beautiful little girl, (innocent, caring, aw bless), who's logic is impeccable to the doubting onlooker who once faced with said logic is rendered speechless. She connects, she saves, she makes a difference to every one she touches 'every little helps' and we are happy that she is a hero and ignore the thousands of torturous deaths the remaining starfish endured from dry drowning while the heartless, apathetic, naysayer of an onlooker did nothing to help. (Left a tear in my eye)


But now you know that quote is from 'Holy Man' if you hear someone use it with all the sincerity they can muster speaking the words as if they were their own, using it a their signature speech and inspiring others to paraphrase it, it will seem ridiculous, laughable, even a little tragic, particularly if that person is supposed to be someone of esteem, someone intelligent, capable and otherwise erudite, it may even make you question everything they say, you may even think they are using that speech knowingly, as some sort of 'in-joke' used in the same way with the same meaning as the film, and then you might feel as if you are being patronised and no-one likes to feel patronised. do they, you don't like to feel patronised, do you my silly little lovelies? aw bless.

Maybe the whole thing is a minefield. I mean use one liners and jokes from movies, TV or radio, thats fine, its funny, its popular culture and it connects people through a shared experience, we all relate and we laugh and laughing is the best way to make new connections. Maybe Its not a good idea at all to try and be clever (Irony doesn't count) or deceitful with your quotes and 'speeches', your audience will resent you once they realise they have been tricked. I mean if you have been put in a position of power or responsibility I'd assume you'd have the smarts to write your own motivational speech anyway?  It's like a plumber: do your job right and nobody should notice. But when you fuck it up, everything gets full of shit.

(That Plumber line is from 'Wag the Dog', some of you will fully appreciate the layers that 'joke' adds to this piece in particular, some of you won't, send me an email and I'll explain it to you - not that I'm trying to be patronising)

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

a muse

Another big gap since my last post, haven't written much anywhere now I think about it, not had much to say. Well, that's not strictly true, I've had lots to say but the words have eluded me, grandiloquence and the enjoyment I have playing with it was replaced with monosyllabic rants and zero desire to share that kinda shit. It was a tough time but life goes on.

Life goes on and sometimes it lifts you to your feet and slaps your face awake as expediently as it hoiks you to the ground in the first place and if your very, very lucky, like myself (natch), it does it in the most wonderful way.

A muse is supposed to be a source of divine inspiration for the arts, originally from Greek mythology but in recent times it's more often applied to an individual, usually some sort of ethereal being realised in human form. I think a muse is a little more down to earth than that, real and human but with every single one of the qualities the myths foretell and with all of the inspiration they promise, they walk among us, I know because I met one who is all of the above and more. How else can I explain my sudden creative proliferation, my rekindled desire for verbosity, the evidence of which wrote here (and here, with a typically empty pledge of more to come) and a far, far rosier view on my once monochrome world. s'prolly why I'm doing bigger jumps and longer wheelies on my bike too.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Spidey is back again

Dang! It's been ages since I posted on here. Tonight seemed apt though as the last post I did was about Spider-Man, and this one is too. 'The Amazing Spider-Man', that is.

I just watched the Andrew Garfield version, dunno why it took me so long but it was on the Playstation store, in 3D, so I turned out the lights, (so no-one can see how dumb 3D glasses look, particularly if you have to wear them over regular glasses), got some popcorn and hit play.

It's pretty good, more 'serious' than the other ones and less choppy in the editing but 'cos of that it feels like it takes a while before you actually get to meet Spidey. There's the obligatory establishing of characters of course, great power, great responsibility, yadda yadda, and as this is 'The Amazing Spider-Man', not 'Spider-man', Mary-Jane is replaced with Gwen Stacy and Spidey has mechanical web-slingers not organic, all that takes ages to set up though. Despite that I enjoyed it, proper comic book action and that Garfield fella does a pukka Peter Parker.

But the best bit for me (don't worry this is no spoiler alert) is right at the very end, slo-mo, to freeze frame to fade to black. Credits.
Spidey slings his web, arcs high into the air and at his apogee he's framed by a full moon (apparently so close it would surely suck the ocean from the earth), he pulls that classic weightless Spidey move, all feet up by his ears, arms outstretched and head down. One hand is holding one web while the other swings round to sling another - now bear in mind I'm watching in 3D - his arm swings round, palm up, the motion slows to like slooooooow-mooooooww, he cocks his wrist and shoots a cord of sticky white Spidey-fat right at the camera.
Best money-shot I've seen this side of porn. Genius.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Webbed out

Spiderman stopped by for a cuppa after a long day of web-slinging today, and he crashed out. I haven't the heart to wake him.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

The Mighty Quim

I went to see the Avengers movie today - not the shit-brit movie from the 90's, the new one with superheroes in.
Its really, really good, I wish I'd seen it sooner and despite the picture being a little out of focus at the top of the screen and the arse-numbing chairs in the local Showcase (not to mention the locals troughing through nosebags) I had a really good time.

The action is pretty much non stop, brilliantly shot, perfectly paced and even though there's a ton of fistfights, gun battles, explosions and Iron man (fuckin LOVE Iron man) it never becomes too much or hard to take in - I'm aiming that at you Michael Bay. From the assembling of the Avengers to the mega-battle against Loki and his space baddies - which takes up most of the film its a proper blockbuster with (almost) some substance and each character is given their fair share of screentime, Joss Whedon really knows his shiz.

There are moments of exposition of course, there has to be, but they are filled with snappy well written dialogue, little in-jokes and often really funny to and fro between characters as they see who can piss highest. (Spoiler alert - Its the Hulk).

But for me the cherry on the cake was Loki referring to Black Widow as a 'Quim'. I nearly spat my Pepsi. I haven't heard that term used for years - its now back in my vocabulary - and it made me laugh when no-one else did, I wonder if it means the same in the U.S. as it does over here?


Sunday, 27 May 2012

Prepared in store.

I nearly bought a bun today, hot bacon and egg from Morrisons, it said on it as if to tempt me even further, 'Prepared in store'.
Prepared in store is the Morrisons - and any other supermaket, mini mart or happy shopper's way of having us believe its 'better' somehow cos it hasnt been made off site by some soul-less machine churning out approximations of food. "Its prepared in store Sir, it has been lovingly crafted by our finest Boulangerers (I made that word up) and once prepared its is sent via carrier butterfly to our bespoke wrapping facility on the top floor where it is gently wrapped in the finest papers know to man ready for your delectation.

I was convinced, then I thought about it.
When I was at school there was a dude who came in late once and his excuse was "I was sniffing glue last night" (ask yer dad) "and I got so high I woke up in France, I had to swim back, thats why I'm late"
He works in Sainsburys now.
In fact when I thought about it more, most of the bottom 10% of my year at school went on to work in supermarkets or fast food joints when they left - I assuming the others couldn't pass the "can you stand on one leg?" entrance exam.

Yeah, thanks Mr Morrison but no, I don't think I'll have the 'Prepared in store' bacon and egg bun you offer, not when I know the kind of person who might have prepared it.

Ode to a cave.

I know Hockney has done this years before and probably much better than I, but I wanted to record the momentous time my garage was clear - just for once.