You're a whatnow?

I had an email the other day relating to a computer issue, the contents of which aren't important. However, how the writer signed off the email is.
For the purpose of this we will call him Dan Dawanker.
It went...

"Blah blah blah, blah, blah bla bla.

Kind regards,

Dan Dawanker,
Solutions Architect"

SOLUTIONS ARCHITECT!!! WTF is that?
Obviously I wrote to the wrong person entirely, I just wanted to know if my OS was up to date. I mean I neither had a problem that needed a solution nor did I need to speak to an architect. - Its rare architects know anything at all about real world stuff as they spend most of their time looking out of corner window offices 'blue skying' radical new bridge concepts that wobble like a fat chicks hips in the slightest dog-fart of a breeze. - If he is a Solutions Architect then who does he work for f'fucks sake?, 'Holder of universal knowledge', Keeper of the box of All', 'Guardian of entirety'?

Solutions Architect suggests this dudes job is to come up with answers - not implement them just... I'm struggling for the right word... Create suggests ability and Design gives too much credit... 'think of', yep his job is probably to 'think of' an answer to then be initiated by some minion more lowly than himself, an answer that is usually one level tougher than "Have you initiated a power cycle?". - Which BTW, is now how we say "have you turned it off and turned it on again" but now we have Solutions Architects on the case we need fancier speaks.

And its not just here where I work, its everywhere. Years ago I remember seeing a stand-up comedian doing a 'bit' on his mate calling himself a 'Vision Technician'. He was a window cleaner. It was quite funny, the comedy came from the ridiculous idea that a window cleaner would see himself or want to appear higher up the ladder (see what I did there?) than he actually was. But somewhere along the line that idea has been taken seriously, have you noticed there are no more secretaries? we now have 'front of house operatives', there are no more Dental assistants, Good god no - way too lowly and demeaning - now they are 'Oral Hygienists'. Cleaners are 'Hygiene Executives' and recently at my sons school he had a day off for... 'Faculty development'. They used to call that teacher training but we daren't suggest they are lacking so much they need more training, so now they 'develop'. Why do we feel the need to pander to the egos of people who think their job is beneath them, if you are smarter, more experienced & more qualified than the job you are in, find the right fucking job, or knuckle down and clean my skidmarked bog in without complaint 'Bog cleaner'.

So Mr. Dawanker, have a word with yourself, you work in IT (Tech Support is acceptable), and if you put as much effort into actually doing your job as you do cruising the office perving at at chicks, if you put down the butty and stopped telling your fascinating stories of web discoveries or the app that cuts a slice of pie and feeds you via bluetooth you might actually live up to your elevated job title. 'Til then I'll buy my groceries from Sainsbury's NOT the 'Pantry solutions outlet', I'll drive my car NOT my 'Vehicular based human mobility solution' and if I want to slap the face of some self aggrandising web monkey for being a bellend I'll use my hand NOT my 'Organic quintodigital disdain delivery solution'.

Kind Regards

Matt D'Ego
Visionary Picto-typographical Solutions Innovator
and Implementation Virtuoso

(Graphic Designer)